Great Moments in Beard: Installment 9

Jason appropriately grabbed his aggressive-salmon colored drink, nattily illustrating the patterned goodness of his sports coat and amply drawing attention to his masterful grasp of color, then proceeded to drank the Creature once he accepted that the "double watch" was yet to catch on.

Yet, as William Shakespeare was quick to point out, "He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man."

Bonus points to Jason for what appears to be a miniature boutonniere.

Great Moments in Beard: Installment 8

With the red headband cutting off the blood flow to his brain, Peter laughed off the hobo rumors citing his tuxedo shirt and jaunty suit coat. Later that night, Peter was arrested streetside, nude and crying, choking himself while masturbating.

Great Moments in Beard: Installment 8

Upon arriving at the freaky campground he had heard about while researching and formulating an opinion on participatory societies (http://libcom.org/library/participatory-society-or-libertarian-communism), the BSD's tongue was sent a-wagging, his devious mind overtaken with thoughts of sweet 70's ass while visions of sugarplum fairies and bottomless ladies danced in his cranial mass.

What is poetry?

The BSD's Odds & Ends, or Simply, Odd Ends

I'm just really enthralled by this dude and what he's doing. His name is Richard Leigh and he is an author. He is often interviewed on the Discovery Channel or the Science Channel or the Smithsonian Channel HD or some shit like that, but whatever- when he talks, it's magic. Mr. Leigh obviously stopped giving a whopping Jupiter-sized Mega Fuck about what anyone thinks of the shit he's been up to. Cause he's cold like that.

Sorta like the BSD, but lacking tact.

Maybe I'm the only one slightly hard at the idea of wearing a space suit, but I highly doubt it.

Note: Considering a platinum job.

[Whispers in Steve Irwin "Crocodile Hunter/Stingray Prey" voice] Quietly observe the BSD taken out of his natural habitat.

Can you find him?

He's lingering in the background, and, whilst these monkeys dance for the Man, the BSD is falling in love once again with the glorious splendor which graces his gaze, the subtle comfort and genteel radiance which is, enduringly and faultlessly, the BSD Bearded, Himself.

Great Moments in Beard: Now in Easily Disseminated Gospel Form

Word of Great Moments in Beard (patent pending) must be spreading like genital herpes in a fraternity hot tub. Or, more appropriately, evidently, through the Great Gospel of Beard!

What do they preach, you may be asking yourself?

This guy's preaching the universal law of "Making It Clap". He's spinning on the ones and twos, droppin' hits by groups like Cherry Bomb and Whitesnake while sneaking in smoove R&B classics by Keith Sweat, including but not limited to Nobody and Twisted. Guaranteed. And them hot pieces up in that bitch are making it clap. (Don't lie to yourself, you know you liked Twisted. The gentlemen smile, the ladies move their hands slowly but steadily towards the soft divide...)

This gentlemen is the main protagonist of the gospel's spread, marinating in Hollywood's Juice Pit, otherwise known as The Roosevelt Pool.

"Hear me, all ye wart-infested heathens! Welcome to the Juice Pit, replete with the clap, gonorrhea, and of course, my semen, the very own demon spawn of my barely functional loins! Let the festivities commence! Praise Beard! Also, at the end of party, someone needs to give me a lift to the Valley."

Upon hearing the gross extremity, rapid growth in public interest, and starting to believe a little bit of the Gospel of Beard Himself, Jesus came back to make a final statement. He simply said, "I agree. Praise Beard!"

Actually, this isn't the real Jesus. It's just some hobo with a magnificent Beard.

Great Moments in Beard: Installment 7

Jeremiah was a wise man. He had read many books, and traveled many miles. Jeremiah could ride a horse bareback, could throw a football 70 yards, lifted great weights, tamed wild animals, spoke to the rivers, swam the English Channel, ate chicken heart, and pounded a wide variety of ass until old age. He is survived by 25 children, 217 grandchildren, 3 cats, 7 half-human half-animal hybrids, 4 inbred special children, and 13 fine pieces of 70's ass.

Jeremiah truly lived a lifetime of Great Moments in Beard.

Great Moments in Beard: Installment 6

Halfway through his Tom Collins, Jared realized that he had no money and quickly dipped out on his $1,200 tab. He had lost all dignity and self-respect, but he still had his Beard, and a real tight buzz.

Great Moments in Beard: Installment 4

Jimmy had a long, slow day at home. It was Tuesday, Meatball Day. He knew that the only thing that could top off this perfect day, this day of Beardedness, this day on which his Mom made Meatballs, this day that he had proudly put on his bald eagle fuckin t-shirt, was a really tall, really cold one. This is pretty much the most rad thing ever. No jokes here. It really looks like he had an awesome day. I wish my Tuesday was like that. Oh yeah, it was. Minus the Beer and plus the Gin. Definitely had Swedish meatballs. Just need some sweet ass pear.

Great Moments in Beard: Proof Positive.

YES. Just in case there were any wavering votes on the Lifetime Achievement Award panel. She just couldn't rationalize keeping her clothes on once the Beard spoke.

Great Moments in Beard: Lifetime Achievement Award- PATRICK PETITJEAN

Patrick Petitjean has taken Bearded Awesomeness to the next level. For years, his masculine facade has reckoned in a new era in Beard, paving the way for Beard Advancement. He has not only made the Beard socially relevant, but has also opened doors for the facially hirsute, both in society at large and the world of high fashion.

In what is possibly the most pimpish move ever, Patrick is able to take masculinity to the edge, push it over the line, punch it when it's down, piss on it, grab your girlfriend, make out with her, piss on her, make her publicly fellate him, take off her bra, make her wear a flimsy tank top, sit down next to a tree, roll a joint, and make her wait while he smokes it, before getting back on the bike and driving under the influence.

No one is quite sure where Patrick was born, but I am willing to bet my mother on it being the ocean.

When the children of Uganda gave Patrick the necklace they made as an offering to him, he vowed to wear it until Eternity, as clearly he will not ever die, continually gaining powers and youth from the Beard. Patrick, Congratulations on your massive achievements, your continued Awesomeness, your reckless lack of inhibition, and your Lifetime of Great Moments in Beard.

Great Moments in Beard: Installment 2

After being fellated by and pounding out Sheila, proud-as-shit Petey returns back to his friends, the very picture of Glorious Conquest. Sheila returned home to her shared apartment in West Hollywood, sure to forget the night's proceedings, though momentarily confused, befuddled, and riddled with angsty regret.

Great Moments in Beard: Installment 1

This goes to prove the power of the Beard. The first installment of a continuing series of photos demonstrating the consistent, unrivaled, balmy effect the Beard has on the Lady. A man's beard, that marvel of mandibular topiary and primeval source of virile powers, is the equivalent of an elk's antlers or a lion's mane-- it is your manly legacy. Go forth young men! You will make all kinds of mistakes; But as long as you are true, generous, fierce, and also Bearded, you cannot harm the world nor seriously distress her. She was made to be wooed and won by youth and Beard. Consider this a chronicle of those moments when a young man grows a Beard, and then rocks the shit out of it.